Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?