Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
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[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
be careful
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
pizza
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that