How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
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If poetry is dead, then explain this: