Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor