@pauvrelapinou: Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can't pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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@WorkingMom86: My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
@jwoodham: Sorry I didn't text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn't want to mess up my phone.
@phalguy: My girlfriend's ex won't leave her alone. I'd drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.
@crylenol: *pops out of casket at funeral* ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say