Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
You Might Also Like
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.