Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Mistakes were made
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.