my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Happy Febuary everyone!
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back