[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I can also cook 😂
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.