[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”