[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
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They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.