*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
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Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Yoga Matt
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.