*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
going to the ER y’all need anything
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Not😆🤣