*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
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50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
oh shit
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.