@i_theindian: Looking up at his wife, he asked, "Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?"
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@thejessbess: I'm rubber. You're glue. I don't conduct low voltage electricity. You're great for arts & crafts.
@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU
@GrillinChillin9: Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby. Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I'm going to out live you too.