[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
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Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.