*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
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My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
No, I don’t think I will.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?