*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.