*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
necessity is the mother of invention
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…