*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
finally found a reasonable question
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.