*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
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tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.