*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
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🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Legend 🤣🤣
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days