*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
You Might Also Like
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Why am I like this?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.