*looks at you in batman voice*
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My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Love this one 😂🧟
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
🤔😂😂