*looks at you in batman voice*
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
just make the entire table out of coaster
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.