*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
she has a point
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?