*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
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Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
bears
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.