*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
You Might Also Like
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
San Francisco has too many rules
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.