*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.