*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.