@EliTerry: "looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points" - commentators on my snowboard run
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@DBMaxP: Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
@ndiquote: interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ? me : ...so I can pay my electricity bills
@pattonoswalt: Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you're Iron Man. What could it hurt?
@lukeoneil47: I was 17 having dinner w new gf's parents. Pooped. 1st flush didn't take. I got nervous they'd hear a 2nd so I threw the turd out the window