“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.