@EliTerry: "looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points" - commentators on my snowboard run
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@Darlainky: "It's important to remember Snitches get stitches", I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
@TravLeBlanc: What's worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
@4boding: My daughter asked me to help her find a job because she’s learned enough in school. She’s 5.
@Carbosly: When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45. They all think I look AMAZING for my age.