“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
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Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
…żyje?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold