“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
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Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.