The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
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there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Finally! 😈
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them