DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.