@Brianhopecomedy: Looks like my wife snuck a love note into my pocket which is pretty cute, although I don't know what "DNR" means.
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@mishakey: I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I'm having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.
@weinerdog4life: When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can't get over the fence
@TheBoydP: Not to brag but I'm never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation...