@Brianhopecomedy: Looks like my wife snuck a love note into my pocket which is pretty cute, although I don't know what "DNR" means.
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@robfee: I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
@Donna_McCoy: Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories. Me: Let me see it... *eats half and hands it back* ...wish granted.
@HatfieldAnne: To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
@McJesse: Are racist people like "ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year."