@AnkCoupleTO: Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I'm eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
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@flashember: [Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist] "He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth." *holds up drawing of Pac-Man* *sobs* THAT'S HIM!
@Robert_Beau: Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and she hit the windshield! 911: How's her head? Me: Her sister's better.
@DirtMcTurd: [Giraffes at gym] "What do you want to work on today?" Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet