Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
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Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Thank you corporation very cool
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
me and the Superbowl rn
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids