@AnkCoupleTO: Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I'm eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
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@abbycohenwl: Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help M: My son broke his leg! V: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck
@BlindChow: In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
@boring_as_heck: MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN', THE DOG IS REAL
@DanKCharnley: Don't make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.