Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
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Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
All set.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.