*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.