*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My inexpensive home security system…
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants