*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
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1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I feel it
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you