*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them