He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
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Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Just a bush.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
i think both sides are to blame here
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it