[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
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Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.