[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
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shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.