*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
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*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS