*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
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They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!