never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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how do y’all walk in shallow water
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
“Huge”.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Yup!
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”