[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
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REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I’ve had worse
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers