[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
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[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.