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@rickkondell: The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
@jergarl: Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats? Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky.. No? W: Really? Idiot.
@jjhartinger: [happy hour with friends discussing politics] me: I'm going to keep my mouth shut. alcohol: wanna bet.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Overheard 2 dad's at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me. Joke's on them. I don't have kids.