[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
You Might Also Like
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My whole life was a lie.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.